Some thoughts on "To Write Love on Her Arms"

I'm not a daily blogger or even a weekly one, obviously. I mull things over for awhile before I put them down here or on paper. One thing I've been thinking about for a good ten months is how I crave physical pain to relieve my emotional pain. Let me be very clear here: I never have cut myself and I still don't, nor am I suicidal. I do, however, understand the need to control pain by inflicting it on one's self. This is one reason why I have tattoos. It's a safe, sterile procedure with a permanent reminder of a life event and the physical pain is contained in one chunk of time. I'm very fortunate that my tattoo artist, Dawn, understands this urge and will either leave me to my thoughts or gently discuss the situation with me. While tattoos hurt for awhile, they heal and to a certain extent I do as well. One of my tattoos was done within hours of my dad passing away as I needed to feel something other than numb and the soreness in my arm the rest of the week leading up to his service helped me begin grieving.

I heard about http://www.twloha.com/ several years back and found on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=lf#!/event.php?eid=279693068238&index=1)that this weekend, people are coming together in a virtual community to pledge to write the word "love" on their arms. It's a way to show the world the extent that depression, due to life circumstances as well as chemical imbalances, drives people to cut themselves as a way of controlling the situation. Writing "love" on your arms tells people with whom you come in contact that you are committed to loving those who hurt, not judging them, and to encourage them that they are unique, that people love them and that they matter.

I know that I'm loved, that God loves me and that I matter to my family and friends, but sometimes I feel the numbing effect of depression and it's a dark valley. At least I'm fortunate enough to know this about myself and can take steps to fight against the darkness whether it's emailing a friend, going for a drive or even just sitting in Starbucks with my iPod and journal for a couple hours.

I debated for awhile about whether of not to share this with you, but I realized that if it helps even just one person who struggles with depression to reach out and get help then it's worth it. I lost one very dear friend to suicide because of depression and drug use; I do not want to lose any more. There is help and hope and love; I'm here to share how I feel and more importantly, to listen to you if you need to talk.

Wounded Healers

I found a copy of "You Don't Find Water on the Mountaintop: Discovering Nourishment in Life's Valleys" by Wayne Monbleau. I had picked it up based on the title and then on the back, it talked about becoming a "wounded healer". That's intriguing. So, I read the intro and the first chapter, neither one very long, and in the first chapter, the author related an experience of being lost in the mountains with some friends and finally, just as they were giving up despite the fact that hypothermia would most likely kill them, they saw in the distance a tiny light. Fixing their eyes on the light, they kept moving through the deep darkness of the night and found the light--a light situated right next to where their car was parked. Chapter One ends with this reminder--"Keep your eyes on the light. Keep your eyes on the light. No matter how dark it is, no matter how lost or hopeless you feel, just keep your eyes on the light and everything will be okay.

In chapter two, the author defines a "wounded healer" as one who has suffered but who doesn't become self-centered; they see the suffering in others and wants to help them as they have been helped. If your heart has been broken and then filled with God's love, compassion and mercy, then help someone else who hurts. God might be performing beautiful works in someone's life through their trials, but if they don't feel as if they can open up honestly to someone, all they can see is the darkness.

I struggle with this myself, opening up my heart to people, even my dear friends. There's this nagging little voice that says "Don't show weakness, they don't really care how you feel, pull that mask on tighter". And even though I KNOW that it's not true, that insidious doubt creeps in and causes me to step back from intimacy. I have to say, though, that through the grace of God, over the past 20 months I've gotten better about quashing that voice. Like an earwig. I'd say spider but I actually like spiders. Losing my parents and my grandparents and my job and my close friend made me realize that I can't do this on my own--life, I mean--and more importantly, God didn't design me to do it on my own. However, everyone opens up to others in their own way; I need to process things internally before talking them over with my friends and family. This makes me seems stand-off-ish; I know it does, but until I have a better handle on how I feel, I can't articulate it to someone else.

Having said all that, I want to leave you with a verse I read today. It's in John and it's in the passage about Jesus healing a man born blind. Jesus was telling His disciples that neither the man nor his parents sinned "...but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. "(John 9:3). There's comfort in that verse; that whatever we're going through, it happened to glorify God. And although we're struggling in the dark, we can keep our eyes on the light of God and be assured that He is looking out for us.

Faith Rewarded

I've been thinking about Rahab, reading about her in James 2 and also in Joshua 2. James only used two examples from history to illustrate faith and deeds, one being Abraham, the father of the Israelites and at the other end of the spectrum in every way, this woman. Rahab had three strikes against her: she was a woman in a patriarchal society, she was a prostitute, and she was an enemy of the Chosen People. But because she saw the power of God as He saved His people time and again, Rahab acted on her faith and was saved from the annihilation of Jericho. She was spared, she and all her family because she believed and she acted. "Acted", by the way, is an action word, which may seem self-evident, but think about it--she DID something in response to her faith. Not only was Rahab saved but she became part of lineage of Jesus, one of only two women mentioned in His genealogy in Matthew 1. Can you imagine? In a patriarchal society, the only two women listed in Jesus' genealogy were Ruth and Rahab, neither of whom were born Israelites. Rahab was rewarded in the most awesome way possible even though she had no way of knowing it all because she put her faith in the unseen God. She was not concerned with self-promotion, only with obedience to God, a God who she only knew about through the stories that had spread through the land. Makes you want to be more proactive in your faith, now doesn't it?

**Many thanks to Pastor Scott for his great series, "What Jim Said", a study of the book of James.

Unstoppable

I've been mulling the idea of the unstoppable church over for several weeks, as I have to do for some concepts and this is just a brief post as I've condensed several messages and conversations with friends.

Over the past couple years in our church body, leadership changed, programs were dropped, people left and those who stayed felt like they came to a screeching halt. We were stopped. We thought we weren't effective. We wondered why this happened to us. In reality, I believe we were going through a period of Selah; a time of being stopped by God to focus on Him. He stripped away everything we were relying on and said, "No. You need to seek me. You need to love one another. You need to acknowledge Me and not be dependent on programs and people." In Jeremiah 29:13b, God says, "...and when you search for me with all you heart, you will find me!" We needed to return to a passionate pursuit of God.

During this same period, I lost both my parents, both my maternal grandparents and my job of almost 10 years. The love and support from the church body during this time poured out in ways I don't remember even witnessing before. The church body was loving God and loving their neighbors and our family was blessed as a result. I know others have been blessed as well as we began to look at what we could to to help others in a very personal way and not just tell them to plug in to a program. As we've revved back up, small groups have been meeting and loving on one another and helping those who need it; a garden was started for feeding people; we're connecting with the Muslim community on a personal level; we share the church facility with two other congregations. We may have been stopped, but we are going to be unstoppable as there is so much more to God than we could ever know!

**many thanks to Pastor Scott for his messages that triggered this post!

Apple (or Pear) Butterscotch Pie

This recipe is being posted in response to a couple requests from friends who really wanted the recipe. The original calls for pears which is also quite good (if you like pears) but it translates right over for apples as well.

Filling:

3 TBSP flour

1 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp nutmeg

1/8 tsp salt

1/2 cup brown sugar

2 1/2 lbs (about 5) apples (or pears), peeled, cored & cut into wedges

1 TBSP lemon juice

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 TBSP butter, cut into little pieces

Place a baking sheet in the oven and preheat to 425 degrees.

Whisk the dry ingredients together so there are no lumps and toss the fruit in the mixture along with the lemon juice and the vanilla extract. Let macerate for about 15 minutes then place in the

bottom crust in the pie pan. Dot the top with the little pieces of butter, then cover with the top crust and crimp the edges. Cut vents in the top. If you'd like, lightly beat an egg and brush it over the top crust for a nice golden glaze.

Bake the pie on the hot baking sheet for 20 minutes, then reduce the temp to 375 and bake an additional 40 to 45 minutes.

Pie Crust: (or use store-bought. Seriously.)

2 cups flour

1 cup shortening (I use half COLD butter and half Crisco)

pinch of salt

1/3 cup ICE water

Cut the shortening into the flour & salt mixture until it resembles cornmeal then add the ICE water. Mix til it just comes together--DO NOT OVERWORK IT! Makes enough for 2 pie crusts.

Cook's Notes:

1. If using apples, I'd recommend using Braeburn or Fuji, but pretty much anything other then Red or Golden Delicious would be great. For pears, use Bartlett or Anjou, or mix it up and use some of each.

2. The brown sugar & vanilla is what makes this a butterscotch pie as well as the butter pieces melting down into the filling.

3. You can make the pie crust by hand which is what I used to do or if you have a food processor, use that. It cuts the shortening into the flour much more evenly and your hands don't get as icky. If you do use the food processor, contrary to popular belief, DO NOT make the dough ball up. If you do, the dough has been overworked and will not be flaky. Pulse the mix until the dough comes together in large clumps then you can gently press the clumps together. What happens is that you're making many teeny tiny layers of flour & shortening and when the pastry bakes, the shortening melts and the water in the shortening evaporates leaving all these teeny tiny pockets which is what makes a flaky pastry. The colder the shortening, the more it keeps it shape and makes the little pockets. When you overwork the dough, the shortening melts and you begin to develop gluten strands and it causes the dough to become tough.

4. The reason you preheat the baking sheet and then bake the pie on it is to bake the bottom crust a nice golden brown which doesn't usually happen when there is a heavy filling like pears or apples in the pie pan. This is the equivalent of blind-baking which is what you do for custard-filled pies (but we can discuss that in another blog!).

Eat well,

Holly

Italian Bread Crumb Fish

I had someone ask me for a breaded halibut recipe so I delved into my trove of clippings and found this Italian bread crumb topping for cod. It can be used for any white fish as well as chicken and pork, low-fat and is quite simple to throw together when you're in a hurry.

Ingredients:

1/4 cup bread crumbs
2 TBSP grated parmesan cheese
1 TSBP cornmeal
1 tsp olive oil
1/2 Italian seasoning
1/8 tsp garlic powder
1/8 black pepper
4 (3 oz) cod fillets
1 egg white, lightly beaten

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.

Stir together all dry ingredients in a small bowl and set aside.

Spray the rack of a broiling pan with cooking spray. Place the fish on the pan and fold under any thin edges so they don't burn. Brush the egg white on the fish then spoon the bread crumb mixture evenly over the fillets..

Bake for 10 to 12 minutes or until the fish flakes easily when tested with a fork and is opaque all the way through.

Cook's notes:

1. I prefer to use Japanese panko instead of traditional bread crumbs for breading. You may be able to find it in the ethnic aisle of your grocery store; I know that World Market carries panko and of course, any Asian market such as Uwjimaya and Pal-Do. Panko is lighter and crispier and doesn't get soggy the way regular bread crumbs do. My gluten-free friends can substitute their gluten-free bread crumbs, of course!

2. For my dairy-free friends, there are hard goat cheeses that would be a great substitution for the parmesan and still have that great tangy flavor; check out Trader Joe's and Whole Foods.

Eat well,
Holly

Thoughts on cooking & family

I ran across an article, written by Nancy Harmon Jenkins in "Saveur", February 2009.

"Real home cooking is like fine art: it is hard to define, but we know it when we see it...(it) stresses finesse over fancy techniques. It calls for ingredients at hand, like the fresh and dried chiles that Mexican home cooks swear by or the salt-cured anchovies that southern Italians can't do without. Simplicity is a hallmark of home cooking, and so is adaptability: if a dish calls for six cloves of garlic and you only have one, if the recipe requires a tablespoon of tomato paste and you're all out, if you're supposed to use lemon juice but you've only got oranges, you cook anyway, and you end up making something good. In the end...home cooking is: a link, a continuum from one generation to the next, a flow of knowledge and love that strengthens and nourishes everyone it touches."



I love this piece because that's what I want people to know--cooking isn't hard, recipes can always be adapted and love really is a secret ingredient. I had a friend tell me (and I know she doesn't really consider herself a cook) that she had made the tilapia with roasted tomato sauce that I posted a few weeks back, but since she didn't have certain ingredients on hand, she adapted the recipe by using what she did have and the dish turned out fine. I sometimes hesitate to pass recipes along only because I cook from ingredients and I don't have specific quantities.



As for the "continuum", well, I've been privileged to be the keeper of my paternal great-grandma's, my dad's and my maternal grandma's personal recipe collections, as well as a handful of my paternal grandma's Christmas cookie recipes. I have secret family recipes now! And my siblings have all called me at one time or another to ask me for help with recipes and I cherish being able to share what I know with people I love. Feeding others is my gift, my act of love, my gesture of comfort; it's my connection to my past, my legacy from my family and my path to the future as there is nothing that unites people more than a home-cooked meal.



Eat well,
Holly

~~The picture is a page from my great-grandma's personal cookbook; she wrote her recipes in a spiral-bound notebook and some of the pages are nearly illegible due to grease and food splatters.